I never thought to be in this situation. I thought by now I might be happily married to Chris.
Yesterday I shared a kiss with a guy that has been in a steady relationship with his Girlfriend fo seven years. I could see in his eyes that he was tempted. I saw myself staring back at me. It is so easy to give in. So easy to loose yourself. Music, alcohol, bodies pushing against you, surrounding you, the beat pounding the heat up...
He went with his friends and I found myself another guy-o r maybe he found me, I can't quite remember. One of the DJ'S took a liking to me, kept giving me drinks for free from the bartender, played songs for me. It was a bit surreal.
I spent the night at his place. We didn't fuck. He sure as hell wanted, but I had told him at the Club I wouldn't sleep with him, and I stayed true to my words.
Turns out he studies at the same university as I do. Good looking, a bit kinky, domineering, fucking rich at only 22. I sure know how to pick them.
We'll see if he calls me. I'd like it, but last year taught me not to depend on those calls that might never come.
I feel so bloody lonely.
Stockholm is called the City of Singles. But being a single in Stockholm doesn't mean you're alone during the night. Just lonely on the inside.
I miss Chris. I miss the sex between us. It wasn't what I now prefer, but I miss the way he would hold me afterwards, the way he would look at me like I was everything he could ever want.
I'm tired. So bloody tired of it.
So, I fell in love. Just like that.
It doesn't seem to be a feeling of constant obsession. Or maybe that's where I'm wrong. I don't think all the time about him. Sometimes days go by and he hasn't been on my mind a single moment.
But there was a connection. A real one. It was unreal, it was like a fucking movie scene. Something like this does not happen, not like that.
He might not be right for me. He might not even be good for me. I only regret that I probably won't have the chance to explore this thing, this something between us.
I changed my life so much in the past 6 months. I am not who I was and of course, we always change with time, but now I have to find myself again. And I don't like all that I find and I don't want all that I see. But I welcome it nonetheless and try to take it in stride.
Make lemonade of the lemons life gives you. Cheezy, yet never truer.
You probably don't even know what you did to me by saying those words yesterday. Did you really think you could do that and there would be no consequences? I am not cold. I am not a walking dead.
Maybe it was the rejection that stung more than anything else. I have become arrogant in my ways with the other people at the clubs. But then again, I can afford it. I can choose. And so can you and you choose me on that night.
So I'm asking you again: Why did you do it? Just to snub me a mere two days later? I asked you, twice if my memory serves me right, and you said yes, you want to meet.
And now you are not ready? Fresh out of a realationship?
Fuck you. I don't care about that. You kissed me, you wouldn't let go of me all night long. It was you seeking me out, you pressing me against the club's wall and kissing me breathless until my head spun, until i couldn't think anymore.
Shit. You got me good. You got me bad. I had such a good feeling about you and you just destroyed it like that with a few words, a few phrases.
I should stop having those expectations when going out. Disappointment seems to be a given if I do that and I am becoming tired of it. Tired of the nights out, tired of the meaningless fucks, changing faces and tongues, fingers, eyes, hands, bodies.
Since Chris and I broke up my world has turned sideways and nothing fits anymore. I am a mess and I would kill if it brought me back Chris. I would sell my soul, betray my friends, do anything.
Anything but go back. Oh god. I would kill any girl you might want to be with. And I feel ashamed and resigned when I think about how many men and women I've been with since we broke up. I think somewhere around 15 women and men in total in the last 4 months. That's more than some people have in their entire life.
But you, Blue Eyes from Saturday night. You are the first one to say no. And the first one I really wanted. I guess that's karma or fate or what ever you want to call it.
You said no because you are a coward. Because you weren't man anough to say no from the beginning. Because you were weak. I cannot blame you. Or hold it against you. I do, but I shouldn't.
But why did you kiss me, hold me, grab me and slam me against that fucking wall and look at me with those eyes, like I was everything you could ever need?
I hate you. I pity you. I pity myself.
I am weak as well, because come wednesday I shall repeat the whole shebang with somebody else and it's gonna fuck me up even more and I won't care, because when the music plays and the beat gets me, I am a different person. I change and become somebody else. That somebody is arrogant and cocky and flirty and 300% crazy on the dancefloor. The men love this person and I have to ask myself if it's really me. I don't know anymore.
Aaron changed me, for good or for bad, who knows.